Meet your new mascot for Seattle Central Community College: Rossa Faun Leon, the unbearably adorable pitbull with a penchant for journalism and justice. Rossa has already scored a position as official mascot and beloved cuddle buddy of the Seattle Collegian newspaper, so expanding her resume to the whole of Seattle Central would be no big. An adorable Texas Red Pit Heeler with big puppy dog eyes and an even bigger heart, Rossa is ready to take on anything and spread joy to everyone she meets.
You might be thinking “why is a canine fit to lead?”
I raise you this: “Why isn’t a canine fit to lead?” Dogs have never been elected officials, so there’s no history of dogs being tyrants or genocidal maniacs. As long as it involves eating kibble Rossa’s first act will not be to bite the hand that feeds, which is more that can be said for most politicians. Rossa is fair and just, as long as she gets her daily quota of pats. She is passionate about democratic elections (which exist for the mascot but not for the Associated Student Council, funny isn’t it?), supporting the pack she belongs to, and lashing out at rivals–all celebrated traits in mascots. Rossa is sophisticated and refined, and only snacks on the finest deep-fried chicken feet and desiccated lamb lungs. Tennis balls are both easier to catch and easier to skin, so she prefers them to squirrels. (this sentence is weird and I don’t know how to fix it)
When asked of her opponent, the badly realized, out of place Bengal Tiger, Rossa responded, “The idea of a tiger as a mascot gives me pause. And that, unfortunately, is deceptively disimilar to ‘gives me pets,’ which I would very much approve of.”
She appreciates substance over style, but she finds inspiration in the friendship between Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson because they illustrate how people from different backgrounds can be united by their mutual love for the same kind of substance. Her favorite philosopher is Diogenes of Athens who lived on the street with the dogs. He’s most famous for having said, “Practice makes perfect,” but his style can better be felt in his remark that “In the rich man’s house there is no place to spit but for in his face.” He was a real dog of the people, like Rossa.
Most notably, she is fit to lead because she’s not a person. She’s a dog. Mascots need to be loyal. And nobody’s loyal like a dog. So, I implore you, voters of Seattle Central, cast your ballot for Rossa, #Doggo’ThePeople.
Vote for Rossa. Email firstname.lastname@example.org by Friday, February 14th, using “Rossa for Mascot” as the subject line.