HUNGRY HASHTAGS: The Buzz reopened for business on Monday, December 2, and introduced a new player in their perfectly pastrified arsenal: a grilled chicken Bánh mì. Excited about its debut, I picked one up in my frenzied hysteria of the in-between class rush. People of the Internet, I declare my love for this fucking sandwich. It was crisp, flavourful and fresh; so good that it raised my credit score and cleared my acne. I was elated to have found a regular breakfast and lunch haunt in the Buzz, and the rest of my day was brightened. I returned each day to retrieve another Bánh mì, but none presented themselves. Day after day I came back, only to be greeted with an empty display case and a subsequent pall in the air like a unicorn just cried. A little piece of my soul died. I had a dream about it haunting me. Gods of the Buzz, I beg of you, #bringbackmyBánhmi. I wait for you still.
WHITE RABBIT : This past Tuesday, a Nato summit held in England became the talk of the Internet not because of policies being discussed but because of the jokes being cracked. A group of leaders from across the globe were captured in a viral video taking aim and making jokes at the expense of President Donald Trump and his habits at press conferences. When France’s President Macron arrived late, Prime Minister Boris Johnson questioned him on being late and while not fully audible, it appears he attributes it to Trump. Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau then mentions the reason is due to the U.S. president taking 40 minute press conferences. Trump didn’t take the comments well as he skipped the post summit press conferences. In a dig sure to keep Trudeau awake at night, the U.S. President called his Canadian counterpart “two-faced.”
COPS AND ROBBERS: On Thursday, December 5, four people were left dead after a poorly-thought out gun battle between Florida police and armed robbers in full rush hour traffic. The robbers, after fleeing from their jewelry store heist, carjacked a UPS truck and took it and its driver 20 miles north of the original scene to a busy intersection in Miramar. There, they found themselves walled off by crowds of cars waiting for the light to turn green. Naturally, with a hostage in close, cramped proximity and throngs of innocent civilians nearby, one would assume the top priority would be ensuring their safety. However, Florida police instead approached the vehicle – with their guns out and using the nearby civilian cars for cover, like they’re Bruce Willis and everybody else is just fuel for the manpain plot. This led to the death of not only both robbers, but a 70-year-old man in a car nearby, as well as the UPS driver – described as a 27-year-old father of two. Granted, it is not clear whose shots exactly killed the two innocents, but it should be said that it certainly doesn’t look like they used any sort of hostage protocol in their plans. Keeping in fashion with our American pastime of being sycophants for cops who murder or get people murdered, UPS released an official apology that also thanked the officers for their service.
JUST IMPEACH-Y: In an unexpected aboutface, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced on Thursday that she is leading the charge to impeach the man who calls himself this nation’s President, Donald Trump. Pelosi cited “a profound violation of the public’s trust” as her deciding motivation, as well as Trump’s attempts to have Joe Biden’s son investigated by Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky as a means to bolster his 2020 election campaign chances. Ukraine, thank you. No one would have ever guessed that you might go down in history as the reason Christmas came early this year for Liberals and Democrats (and generally sane, humanitarian and antifascist people) everywhere. Dirty international conspiracy never felt so good, or so right.
AN UGLY SITUATION: Here at Seattle Central, Security officer, Tracy Yorker, responded to reports of too many “ugly holiday sweaters” gathered in One World Restaurant on Thursday, December 5 between the hours of 4pm and 6pm. “We had people calling in saying they were experiencing severe nausea and eye pain,” said Yorker, no stranger to danger. Seriously though, Yorker dropped by the Seattle Central employee holiday party, despite the ugly sweater theme, to “enjoy chatting with colleagues and eating cheese and crackers” at the potluck event. In particular, she noted the platter of Spanish cheeses provided by Seattle Culinary Academy’s Chef Karen Jurgensen. Chef Karen enjoyed the party where everyone could cut loose and be real. She especially enjoyed watching Doctors Kimberly Mcrae and Sheila Edwards Lange singing karaoke. Additionally, the modest chef said she would like whoever made the turkey to know that it was a popular dish. “I was getting credit for it,” she said, “because I was wearing my chef coat.”
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