Satire: Top Harris advisor says, “We thought the phrase was ‘if you find yourself in a hole, keep digging.’”

David Plouffe, an advisor for Obama, and more recently Vice President Harris, stated, “we thought the phrase was: ‘if you find yourself in a hole, keep digging.” The aide, cursing his team, elaborated, “nobody corrected me, nobody told me the phrase was ‘stop digging!’”

This comes after Democrats concluded an-eight year study, finding out that water is not, in fact, wet. We reached out to Vice President Harris for comment, who agreed to interview. “This study, while low-key, was an important milestone. It shows us that losing the election was not our fault!” Harris said. Harris went on a tirade, assuring that the election was lost because of Biden being too old, minorities being too selfish, women being in a state of hysteria, and the American people being ‘garbage.’ 

Plouffe and Harris later spoke publicly, with Harris addressing the cheering crowd, “thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” 

After 167 more seconds of cheering and thanking, Harris began her speech. “We already dug the hole this deep. We know the phrase now, but we already sunk so much into this hole,” Harris shrugged, “might as well keep going.” The crowd once again erupted into applause, with one member clambering up the stage to lick Harris’ boots for a brief moment before she shoed him away, “shoo! Get!” Plouffe then added, “Next election we promise to dig the biggest hole the American people have ever seen. You will be surprised about how big this hole is going to be.”

President-elect Donald Trump commented on the matter on Twitter (now known as X), saying, “XD, lmao, even. I’m going to be the best president. The best ever. Don’t worry America, I’m already reducing the price of eggs as we speak.”

Vice-President-elect Vance spoke at a rally in Philadelphia today, speaking from atop a boarded up Planned Parenthood, “My fellow Christian White cis-males, this is going to be the best four years of your lives. We’re going to make abortion illegal everywhere, outlaw blue hair and pronouns, and legalize marrying guns.” Vance then went on to describe in detail how a book he read was the basis for his idea on how to shape the United States under Trump’s government, spending a few minutes muttering and pacing trying to remember the name of the book. After a light bulb popped up over his head, he held his index finger up, as if pointing to the sky, “I got it! ‘The Handmaid’s Tale!’ That’s it!”