Satire: Mayor Harrell approves two new stay-out laws; receives three-hour standing ovation
After 3 hours of standing ovation from Seattleites, Mayor Bruce Harrell commented, “I would love for the applause to continue, I know I am doing God’s work, but we must now turn this into law.” smiling as he approved the laws.
Following the immediately popular SODA and SOAP laws passed in Seattle’s City Council just over a week ago, Harrell has also approved two other similar laws. The new Stay Out Loud Chewers (SOLC [the L is silent]), and Stay Out Drinkers of Oat Milk (SODOM), came into effect this morning, with a reported 13 arrests made in just the last 6 hours.
“Seattleites have shown their desire for a city based on etiquette,” Harrell said in a press conference after approving the laws, “the need for these laws is common sense; dissident Seattleites disrupt loyal citizens in SOLC and SODOM zones.”
“Seattleites no longer have to tolerate loud chewers and snobby oat milk drinkers,” says City Council member Rob Saka, “we’re really cleaning up the city.”
Though this means a lot for our beloved city, there is always more work to be done. “This is a great step in the right direction, but we need to go further still,” shares local ComeBuy Tea barista Sara Kern, “it’s those sickos who continually suck on an empty boba trying to get that last tapioca ball who are the real villains.”
One local coffee drinker admitted to using oat milk in their coffee and spoke under the condition of anonymity for fear of government reprisal, “I never realized how much of an elitist scumbag I was by asking for oat milk in my coffee.” With tears streaming down their face, they added, “I thought if I was polite, it wasn’t a big deal. I see now that I was wrong.”
We spoke to Dr. Victor Blaine, a local addiction counsellor employed by local therapy and counselling company Leave Obsession Stay Exceptionally Radiant (LOSER). We asked him how this will impact Seattle residents who are addicted to oat milk and/or chewing loudly, “you know, it’s really easy to stop an addiction; to be honest, I don’t understand how I have a job! All these addicts who get into trouble are just too lazy to stop.”
Undoubtedly this fervour of the Seattle population and City Council will bring much-needed change to Seattle.
Idaya is a student here at Seattle Central College who is always looking out for the health of our communities; here at Central, in Seattle, and, as per Idaya’s lofty aspirations, a healthy international community as well. As a writer and photographer, Idaya loves to report on current events, keeping the community well informed.
It’s this for real? Loud chewing I get. But who honestly gives a flying flick of someone else prefers oat milk?
This is indeed not for real. It’s Satire mocking the recent “SODA,” and “SOAP,” laws passed by Seattle City Council, and approved by Mayor Harrell. If you’d like a look into those laws, visit the Strangers website and search for “Stay Out.”
Thanks for reading and commenting! Hope you have a nice day.
🙂
Best,
Idaya Zyndra